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Nelson's Column November London On A Tray 26th November 2007 Now you're spoiling us Forget diamonds, butlers are a girl’s best friend. They’re there to pick out your outfit for you, iron your newspaper and do all the heavy lifting – not forgetting the important duty of answering the door; well, it can be very tiresome getting up, operating the handle and putting on the welcoming smile. The modern day butler is also on hand to solve any quandary, from dating advice to what to wear with those skinny jeans. Sweetly, he would never ever say the skinny jeans should be left at the back of the wardrobe. Have you noticed though how few of these modern day heroes are around today? Not a lot. I sadly haven’t been keeping one in the space under my stairs and, come to think of it, haven’t seen one since the Jeeves and Wooster days. Luckily, and just in time for Christmas shopping – so exhausting – Regent Street is putting on a weekend butler service to help alleviate the shopping stress for us damsels in search of some retail comfort. Next time you’re stranded between Massimo Dutti and Max Mara, desperately trying to hail a cab, get the butler to do it for you. It’ll save you from the indignity of flailing your arms around in public. The team of seven (any connection to the dwarfs, do you think?) smartly uniformed helpers would put Santa’s elves to shame. Working hard to find your perfect presents, they can advise on where to get those Wedgwood plates for gran, Austin Reed suit for him or the iPod phone for the luckiest person on your list – surely the most longed for gift this Christmas. The personal shopper just got replaced. It’s all wonderfully decadent and old fashioned but it doesn’t quite go far enough. What I’d like to see is free rickshaw rides between the shops – walking is even more tiring than getting the credit card out. And what with London Transport costs, it’d be so much more helpful than someone just pointing you in the right direction. What? I have to walk there? How about some refreshments on the way too; butlers carrying silver trays of mince pies and champagne are what’s called for – then London really would be a capital worth coming to. Prince Harry might even be tempted to leave Chelsea (not Chelsy – not so soon after the reunion, anyway) and head to Regent Street for a spot of crimbo shopping with the hoi polloi. Holidaying in some smart places, as you do, one of the most luxurious things you can do is have a bath drawn by the butler. Think it’s silly? Honestly, if you get the opportunity, try it. The closest I can compare it to is having a cup of tea made for you. Tastes so much better than when you make it yourself doesn’t it? It’s one of those things that’s just true. Like that damn elusive sock that gets lost in the wash leaving you with a draw full of mis-matching odd ones. No one knows why it’s true, it just is. If watching Britain’s most famous living butler, Paul Burrell, bush tucker trialling in the jungle has tarnished your image of these honourable gentlemen, think again. Or, better still, stroll down Regent Street and have your shopping carried for you. Next stop, Bond Street. Ewan Sells Out Demand for tickets to see Othello at the Donmar Warehouse has become so feverish that tickets are going for upwards of £100 for the sold out show. The excellent Chiwetel Ejiofor plays the title role and Kelly Reilly is Desdemona but surely the main attraction is Ewan McGregor who stars as Iago. Last seen on the London stage in the award-winning ‘Guys & Dolls’, McGregor returns to the stage after a two-year break. Prior to that he last trod the boards in 2000 in the West End production of ‘Little Malcolm and His Struggle Against The Eunuchs’. No wonder tickets are exchanging hands for five times their original price. (Don't) Chew On This A food supplier delivered rancid meat to top London hotels, government offices and hospitals including the Treasury, Westminster School and The Dorchester and Claridges hotels. A former employee of the now defunct McLaren Foods, described the rotten meat they would deliver in the following delightful terms: “Every time you opened the door it would hit you straight away.” On one occasion Claridges sent back an order of 250 sirloin steaks because they were green. Steak well done, anyone? Who's Rubbish at Recycling? In the same week that Greenwich was named the greenest borough in the city – and Tower Hamlets shamed as the least green (making it the brownest?) – it was revealed that more than half of central Government offices have no idea if they even have a recycling scheme at all. Not only that, Britain lags behind the rest of EU on recycling household waste; on average, more than a fifth (approaching 23%) gets recycled – one of the lowest rates in Europe. With this in mind Tower Hamlets’ pitiful 11.8% is indeed rubbish. October 2008 24th October Boris v Jingjing 17th October Soaps in Pole Position September 2008 23rd September Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea 16th September The London Restaurant Awards August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 2nd September The Free Tenor August 2005 30th August Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium 20th August Getting Behind the Iron Farce