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Nelson's Column
June
London the Musical 11th June 2007
The city sings – for the good of its soul
Singalong a Sound of Music fans who have proudly stood up in the aisles dressed as Maria and kept the hills alive with the sound of music rejoice! Ken’s latest plan is to get us Londoners singing. Forget making the tubes run on time, clearly singing is the key to getting the city going. Ken’s dream is obviously to teach the world to sing but he’s making a start with London anyway.

Why make us sing? You are most likely asking.
• “Because singing is fun...
• Because singing is as natural as laughing...
• Because singing is good for heart and soul...
... and how great will it be when thousands of Londoners come together in song?” Ken’s website enthuses.

All together now, Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do! ‘Sing London’ is the festival which is going to get us blasting out a few bars. And it’s everywhere – from Brent Cross Shopping Centre to the British Museum, even in your local library (which is odd). The bottom line is there’s no avoiding it, in case you were thinking, ‘it’s OK, I’ll just keep my head down and leave this singing lark to the rest of London’.

It all sounds so Mary Poppins; if we could all sing like Julie Andrews and Dick Van Dyke it would be a sweet cockney symphony. The trouble is, not all voices in London are Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Any night down the local karaoke (which has made a disturbing comeback, I notice) reveals that most couldn’t qualify for the local church choir let alone Westminster choral society and some can’t even hit one single note, not one.

But there’s no doubt Londoners do love to sing. You can hear them humming along to their too loud iPod, or rapping badly on the tube. Can’t they keep it to themselves? It’s not that I’m completely anti a rousing communal chorus but if it’s out of tune better in than out. And the biggest problem is most people are blissfully unaware that they are coming across as more E flat than D minor; that their harmonies are more odious than melodious.

Surely the most entertaining part of shows like the X Factor and Pop Idol were the tuneless rejects completely oblivious to the cat strangling sounds they were emanating. The sad (or hilarious) thing about these poor deluded wannabes that music forgot was that they were completely convinced they were destined to be the Take That of tomorrow. They surely proved that, as a whole, we’re a nation whose signing talent isn’t just hidden – it doesn’t exist.

I know from painful, ear-splitting experience that plenty of people, a few unfortunately close to me, really shouldn’t attempt to sing. Sunday mornings spent standing in a church pew, pretending not to know certain family members, are still fresh in my memory. And in case you were wondering, Dad, singing an entire octave above or below what it should be doesn’t help; it only makes your tuneless vocals stand out above everyone else’s. Tone deaf, I’m afraid.

At least the ENO understands, they’re kindly giving away free singing lessons to prevent the whole thing going off-key. If you’re remotely unsure of your musical genius, take my advice and sign up for one of their twenty-minute one-to-ones, please.

To round the whole singing marathon off, there’ll be a great big sing-a-long at the South Bank Centre on July 8th. I, for one, won’t be tuning in to hear the thousands expected join to join in the all-city sing. It’ll be like the last night of the Proms only worse, with plenty of flag waving, patriotism and most of it out of tune. Singing is fun, Ken says. Yes, for those doing the singing, not so much fun for those of us who have to listen to it. Stick to singing in the shower, that’s what I say or, better still, in the bath – under water.
Bringing Rhythm to Town
What do you get when you mix Bollywood with London? A bit of a dance number at Waterloo Station of course. Dancers in new release ‘Jhoom Barabar Jhoom’ (‘Dance Baby Dance’) managed to dodge the capital’s crowds at Tower Bridge and Kensington Palace Gardens too with their perfectly-timed footwork. This film features group choreographed spectacles shimmying through the city that rival the very best scenes in ‘West Side Story’.
Russian Revolution
It’s all a bit Roman Abramovich injecting a spare few million into Chelsea Football Club but wealthy Russian art lover Eugeny Erofeev is stumping up the cash for a sculpture show in Regent’s Park this summer. Among the work on display will be Unus Safardiar’s ‘Feeling Transparent’, which, rather coolly, resembles cut ice. It is hoped the show will become an annual event for sculptors worldwide.
A Bridge Too Far
There’s stiff competition to be the best bridge in London but news that Wandsworth Bridge is to have a £800,000 makeover may elevate it to the realms of star structures such as Tower Bridge and that Millennium one. The design centres on glass ‘flames’, which are computerised to change from purple to turquoise and back again with the tide. Oh-er!
October 2008
24th October
Boris v Jingjing
17th October
Soaps in Pole Position
September 2008
23rd September
Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea
16th September
The London Restaurant Awards
August 2008
26th August
No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues
20th August
The Olympics
July 2008
24th July
Sandwiched Out
17th July
The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3
June 2008
26th June
Love All at Wimbledon
16th June
Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant
May 2008
27th May
Booze Banned on Buses
20th May
Same Again?
April 2008
23rd April
By George
11th April
Back to the 80s
March 2008
28th March
How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea?
20th March
Flight Fantastic
February 2008
20th February
Dark, Satanic Turnmills
6th February
A Diamond in the Drink
January 2008
21st January
People Wanted for Plinth
14th January
Boo! Hiss!
December 2007
28th December
Tate That - A Hirst for Art
20th December
Christmas Shopping
November 2007
27th November
Mind the Gap
26th November
London On A Tray
October 2007
26th October
Leaving the Station
14th October
The Sky's the Limit
September 2007
26th September
The Play Within A Play
19th September
Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks
12th September
Saying Tanks for the Mammaries
August 2007
24th August
Heathrow under Siege
17th August
Gormless
10th August
Losing Face
July 2007
24th July
Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer?
13th July
Red Ken versus Blonde Boris
June 2007
22nd June
Last Orders at the Fag Machine
11th June
London the Musical
May 2007
21st May
What Lurks Beneath
10th May
The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of
April 2007
27th April
London’s Walk on the Wild Side
20th April
Stand Behind the Yellow Line
13th April
Like Water for Chocolate
March 2007
23rd March
So, Another Magazine
16th March
Avoiding iContact
February 2007
23rd February
Sex and Art...
16th February
C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government
9th February
Live Earth London
January 2007
26th January
A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain
18th January
Carriage on up the West End
December 2006
29th December
Food for Thought
22nd December
A Poisonous Marketing Campaign
15th December
In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds
November 2006
17th November
Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold
10th November
Failing to Save the World
October 2006
27th October
Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps
20th October
Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk
13th October
Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street
September 2006
16th September
Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back
9th September
Of Poles and Twiglets
August 2006
25th August
Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable
11th August
London Friendly
4th August
Archway To Organic Heaven
July 2006
21st July
London - Celebrity Frat House
7th July
Out of the Galleries into the Streets
June 2006
23rd June
Mayors, Nightmares and Marias
16th June
Downright Rude in Paris and London
9th June
Enter the Inferno
May 2006
26th May
Curvaceous Border
12th May
Vegging Out
April 2006
21st April
The Camden Crawl
17th April
Down the Pan
13th April
I Want to Break Free
9th April
Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere
7th April
Don't Box Me In
March 2006
24th March
Political Correctness Reaches New Heights
February 2006
24th February
A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West
17th February
Modern Musicals are Rubbish
10th February
The City-Side Alliance
January 2006
20th January
February Sales
20th January
Moby Sick
13th January
Glass Half Full
3rd January
Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers
December 2005
22nd December
January Bites
16th December
A Remarkable Year
November 2005
25th November
And a Partridge in a JCB
11th November
Driving Miss Sadie
4th November
Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin
October 2005
28th October
Trick or Treat?
21st October
We Don't Mind a Little Delay...
14th October
Final Resting Place for Young British Artists
September 2005
16th September
Just a small urn for me, please barman
9th September
DRINK! DRINK! DRINK!
2nd September
The Free Tenor
August 2005
30th August
Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium
20th August