Wednesday 19th November  14:50 pm Good Afternoon

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Nelson's Column October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 20th October 2006 In defence of London's least-loved wildlife I assume you’ve all seen that photo of the pelican swallowing the pigeon in St. James’ Park? It was greeted with howls of laughter by most of my friends. Partly this was because the pigeon looks so weirdly comfortable in there, as if it were just taking its weight of its wings, but mostly it was a result of the general loathing in which London’s ‘flying rats’ are held. I think the pigeons are a bit hard-done-by. It’s one thing to be disgusted by the sight of a bird pecking at the overspill from somebody’s binbag, quite another to want the poor thing to be eaten by a pelican (“kicking and flapping the whole way down” according to eyewitnesses). And it’s not like we’re exactly overrun by wildlife in this city. The queen may be able to look out of her window at the pelicans in the pond (a gift to Charles II from the Russian ambassador, fact-fans!), but for the rest of us, it’s strictly a matter of rats, squirrels, foxes and those pigeons. The rats are obviously repellent, and, though I love watching the loping grey silhouettes of a family of urban foxes as I return from a night out, they’re anti-social in all kinds of other ways. That screeching noise sends shivers down my spine – it’s far too human for comfort – and combined with the smell, it’s enough to make me glad that we’ve banned hunting, and they should all be able to migrate back to the country now, to reassume their natural place as peaceful leaders of the happy woodland folk (that is how it works, isn’t it? Everything I know about the countryside, I learnt from ‘The Animals of Farthing Wood’). Which leaves us with the squirrels – who are, I must admit, unassailably cute, even when they’re rifling through the contents of my wheelie-bin – and those much-maligned pigeons, who don’t do much harm to anybody. There is a certain amount of poo to put up with, of course, but it’s not like you’d be eating your dinner off London’s spotless paving stones if it wasn’t there. And just try, if you can, to imagine the city without them – a lifeless, motionless skyline, the streets devoid of non-human activity, and chicken shashlick off the menu at kebab shops throughout the capital. Like it or not, these seedy scavengers are as much a part of London’s geography as the dome of St. Paul’s. So next time Mayor Ken proposes wiping out the pigeons, as he has already done in Trafalgar Square, in defiance of the wishes of Mary Poppins fans everywhere, I think we should try to launch some serious opposition. Apart from anything else, I really don’t fancy seeing the photos if that pelican is forced to switch to a squirrel diet. Lizzie's Lights Spark Controversy Fifty-nine LED lights will be used to light up Buckingham Palace between the hours of sunset and 11pm in a bid to help tourists spot the landmark at night. The move, which will last until the end of Queen Elizabeth’s reign, has been criticised by environmental groups despite the bulbs used being environmentally-friendly and cost- efficient. Hacked Off East Hackney is, officially, the worst place to live in Britain. Factors including crime, lifestyle, environment, education and employment were used to conduct the survey, which also slated east London's Tower Hamlets and north London's Islington. Bussed Up Over 150 people have signed a petition complaining against loud music on London buses. The "Music-Free Buses" campaign aims to eradicate noise from MP3 players and mobile phones on some forms of public transport. October 2008 24th October Boris v Jingjing 17th October Soaps in Pole Position September 2008 23rd September Chips too Chavvy for Chelsea 16th September The London Restaurant Awards August 2008 26th August No Smoking, No Ducks, No Barbecues 20th August The Olympics July 2008 24th July Sandwiched Out 17th July The Show Ain't Over 'Til the Fat Lady's on Page 3 June 2008 26th June Love All at Wimbledon 16th June Miller Puts the Heat on Tennant May 2008 27th May Booze Banned on Buses 20th May Same Again? April 2008 23rd April By George 11th April Back to the 80s March 2008 28th March How do You Solve A Problem Like Medea? 20th March Flight Fantastic February 2008 20th February Dark, Satanic Turnmills 6th February A Diamond in the Drink January 2008 21st January People Wanted for Plinth 14th January Boo! Hiss! December 2007 28th December Tate That - A Hirst for Art 20th December Christmas Shopping November 2007 27th November Mind the Gap 26th November London On A Tray October 2007 26th October Leaving the Station 14th October The Sky's the Limit September 2007 26th September The Play Within A Play 19th September Fashion, Frocks and Celeb Shocks 12th September Saying Tanks for the Mammaries August 2007 24th August Heathrow under Siege 17th August Gormless 10th August Losing Face July 2007 24th July Are We Reaching Boiling Point Yet This Summer? 13th July Red Ken versus Blonde Boris June 2007 22nd June Last Orders at the Fag Machine 11th June London the Musical May 2007 21st May What Lurks Beneath 10th May The Stuff Dreams Are Made Of April 2007 27th April London’s Walk on the Wild Side 20th April Stand Behind the Yellow Line 13th April Like Water for Chocolate March 2007 23rd March So, Another Magazine 16th March Avoiding iContact February 2007 23rd February Sex and Art... 16th February C-Charge Protest Fails to Bring Down Government 9th February Live Earth London January 2007 26th January A Vote for Shilpa is a Vote for Britain 18th January Carriage on up the West End December 2006 29th December Food for Thought 22nd December A Poisonous Marketing Campaign 15th December In for a Penny, In for Five Pounds November 2006 17th November Big Department Stores Leave Santa Out in the Cold 10th November Failing to Save the World October 2006 27th October Frozen Prawns and Melting Icecaps 20th October Predatory Pelicans and Happy Woodland Folk 13th October Hope at last for east end of Oxford Street September 2006 16th September Lite the Blue Paper and Stand Well Back 9th September Of Poles and Twiglets August 2006 25th August Free Fares For the Fat and the Fashionable 11th August London Friendly 4th August Archway To Organic Heaven July 2006 21st July London - Celebrity Frat House 7th July Out of the Galleries into the Streets June 2006 23rd June Mayors, Nightmares and Marias 16th June Downright Rude in Paris and London 9th June Enter the Inferno May 2006 26th May Curvaceous Border 12th May Vegging Out April 2006 21st April The Camden Crawl 17th April Down the Pan 13th April I Want to Break Free 9th April Big Brother seems to have been left in a bar somewhere 7th April Don't Box Me In March 2006 24th March Political Correctness Reaches New Heights February 2006 24th February A Stadium's Tale: Cup Final Goes West 17th February Modern Musicals are Rubbish 10th February The City-Side Alliance January 2006 20th January February Sales 20th January Moby Sick 13th January Glass Half Full 3rd January Three Cheers for the Tube Station Workers December 2005 22nd December January Bites 16th December A Remarkable Year November 2005 25th November And a Partridge in a JCB 11th November Driving Miss Sadie 4th November Spam, Spam, Spammity-Spam, Shakespeare, Zorro, Chico and Rasputin October 2005 28th October Trick or Treat? 21st October We Don't Mind a Little Delay... 14th October Final Resting Place for Young British Artists September 2005 16th September Just a small urn for me, please barman 9th September DRINK! DRINK! DRINK! 2nd September The Free Tenor August 2005 30th August Samba Rhythms Breaking Out All Over The Stadium 20th August Getting Behind the Iron Farce 10th August Mystery Play is No Sell Out